Safer Casual Sex: Protection, STI Testing and the Talk

Most men I know who sleep with new partners have the same routine for sexual health. They hope. They figure she seemed fine, they feel fine, and they'll get a test if something itches. I did the same for years, until a routine check turned up chlamydia I'd had for who knows how long without one symptom. It cleared up with a week of pills. It also made me realize I'd been guessing the whole time. This is the guide I wish I'd read back then. It isn't medical advice, and a clinic will always know your situation better, but it covers what most men never get told.

“She seemed clean” means nothing

The most common infections often have no symptoms, especially at first. That's true of chlamydia and gonorrhea in particular, in men and women alike. Lots of people carry herpes or HPV and never find out. You can't tell by looking at someone, by how tidy their apartment is, or by how nice they were at the bar. You can only tell by testing.

None of this is a reason to stop. It just means sexual health is part of having a casual sex life, the same way seeing a dentist is part of having teeth. In my experience, women on personals sites trust a man more when it's clear he takes it seriously.

Condoms, and the details that make them work

Condoms still do most of the work. Used properly, they block most STIs very well. They're less complete against infections spread by skin contact, like herpes and HPV, but they still cut the risk a lot.

The “used properly” part is where men slip up. Bring your own and don't count on her having them. Check the date, and don't store them somewhere hot for months, which rules out your wallet and the glovebox in August. Fit matters more than most men admit. Condoms that are too tight break, and ones that are too loose slip off, so if either has happened to you, try a different size before deciding condoms don't work for you. Use water- or silicone-based lube. Anything oily, like lotion, coconut oil or massage oil, weakens latex fast.

Two things are worth raising with a doctor. The HPV vaccine is routinely given up to age 26, and adults up to 45 can talk through whether it makes sense for them. If your risk of HIV is higher than average, ask about PrEP. It's a daily pill or regular injection that makes HIV infection far less likely. Neither does anything for the other STIs, so condoms still stay in your pocket.

How often to get tested

US public health guidance says every adult should have at least one HIV test, and people with new or multiple partners should test more often than that. If you're meeting new people regularly, every three to six months is a sensible rhythm. Test sooner after any encounter where a condom broke or wasn't used, and right away if you notice anything off: burning when you pee, discharge, a sore, bumps or a rash. Don't wait for your next scheduled test.

A standard panel usually covers HIV, syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea. Herpes usually isn't included unless you ask. If you do, ask the clinic to walk you through the result, because herpes blood tests are easy to misread.

Timing trips people up. Get tested the morning after something risky and you'll probably test negative, because it's too soon to show. Chlamydia and gonorrhea generally show up within a week or two. HIV can take several weeks to show reliably on a test. If you're testing because of one specific night, ask when you should come back for a second test.

Testing is cheaper and easier than most men think. County health departments and sexual health clinics often test for free or close to it. Plenty of urgent care centers and pharmacies offer it, and mail-in kits let you do the whole thing from your bathroom.

The conversation, done properly

Have it before you meet, by message, while you're sorting out where and when. In the bedroom it's awkward. As part of making plans it's just logistics. Start with your own status so it doesn't feel like you're questioning her:

“Before Saturday, so it's out of the way: I got tested last month, all clear, and I always use condoms. Anything I should know on your end?”

That's all it takes. Most women answer in kind, and a fair few will thank you for raising it first. If she brushes the whole thing off, or says she “doesn't do condoms,” pay attention to that. Someone careless with you is probably careless with everyone else too.

The hookup etiquette guide covers the rest of what's worth agreeing on beforehand, and the NSA guide covers ground rules if it turns into something regular.

When something goes wrong

If the condom breaks, say so right away. It's nobody's fault, but you both have decisions to make, and some of them can't wait. She may want emergency contraception, which works best the sooner she takes it. If HIV is a real possibility, there's a medication called PEP that has to be started within 72 hours, so go to urgent care or an ER promptly. Then book a test for the right number of weeks afterwards.

If a test comes back positive, take a breath. Chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis are cured with antibiotics. Herpes and HIV are long-term, but modern treatment makes both very manageable. Do what the clinic tells you, hold off on sex until they say it's fine, and let recent partners know. If you can't face telling them yourself, many health departments will notify partners for you without giving your name.

If you do tell them yourself, keep it short and kind: “Not a fun message to send, but I just tested positive for chlamydia. It's easy to treat, and you'll want to get checked. Sorry, I thought you should know.” Nobody enjoys getting that message. Almost everyone respects the person who sent it.

Quick answers

How often should I get tested if I'm hooking up? Every three to six months if you're seeing new partners regularly, plus straight away after a broken condom or if you notice symptoms.

Do condoms protect against everything? Against most things, very well. Herpes and HPV can still pass through skin the condom doesn't cover.

Is it weird to ask her about testing? Not if you ask before you meet and tell her your own status first. It comes across as considerate.

Where can I get tested without spending much? Your county health department, a sexual health clinic, many pharmacies and urgent care centers, or a mail-in kit.